So topic number one.
How is school? Oh boy has my life changed. To start off, I love the potential of this school, but as of now I am not fulfilling it to its maximum potential. Columbia College has a great film program with many resources available to me. I feel like my classes are fun and I am learning a lot. But, at the same time I think my cowardice is holding me back. For some reason my confidence this year has shifted to a shy student. I sit in the back of classes, I don't talk to anyone, and I keep to myself. That makes me kind of sad. I always enjoyed that fire in me that everyone hated, but I think that this year has extinguished that flame. Its very hard to keep confidence when I am taking so many trips. I feel like this year my intelligence has dropped mysteriously. Nobody seems to take me seriously anymore. I have a lot of "dumb" things to say these days, safe things. For some reason I have become so sensitive to other peoples reactions. I don't want to shake anything up with anyone. Im so tense. I used to talk so much about my feelings, but everyone else's feelings have overpowered mine to a pulp, so everything stays in this little head. I feel like every day I am getting uglier and uglier. In a way I feel like I'm in a secure field of study, where you have to be one of the guys, and when girls are one of the guys they don't have to pretty up. It's always been to unsettling for me to pretty up, It's just another way of putting yourself out there and saying "look at me" which I don't like to say. Naturally most people think that is a negative thing to seek attention, but why is it? Attention is the only way that you can pass through life successfully. I guess the secret is, you have to say "look at me" without having anyone notice that your saying it.
My friends, my floor mates at this school are interesting. I didn't even have this much drama in high school. Everyone is out of control. I always thought i was the open free minded person, but here i am the most conservative. I feel like the older i get the more conservative I am. Personally I feel I don't like most of the people at this school. I haven't laughed in so long. Like TRUELY laughed. I have no one that I can confide my feelings to. Because my life experiences aren't as severe their not worth an ear. Thats the rule. Im trying to keep a positive attitude about it all. But people scare me like they have never scared me before. I need to find a group of friends who are friendlier and spend more time sober than not. I need to find people that I can have analytical conversations with, and i feel like when i got to this school no one has ever had "girl talk". everyone keeps to themselves. The only topic of conversation is about what sucks about life. How about what makes life rock? Well for one, my bed is so comfortable, wow i'm finding this so hard to do right now. I just want to complain about everything, like about how i never leave my room, and about how i haven't gone shopping for clothes in ages, and that i barely have a taste in clothing, about how i used to paint and draw and read and write and watch films, but now i just sleep all the time. Sleep is the only thing that loves me back here. I have been watching a lot of that 70s show lately. Oh man i wish i was in that life. Kitty has become my new favorite person in this whole world. This past year i have had a dream of being a mom. My room mates know me as wanting to fall in love and get married and have kids. Which is normal to most people i would think but not to people at this school! But i just cant wait for that part of my life to happen. In the mean time I'm spending so much money that feels like i will never pay back on school. I am trying to get an education in something that will probably leave me unemployed for the rest of my life. Im scared, oh you bet i am. But i just need that inspiration back. I need to recreate me. This symbol on my arm never lets me loose sight of that. It reminds me that i was born to be an artist in all forms. I need to read, write, draw, watch films, learn languages, travel, cook, and live. To live i need to be intellectually rounded. My spirits need to be raised so i can become christina again and live a full life. I need to make sure my thoughts are recorded in some form of medium. Without that record, i have nothing to prove. And thats what we all need, something to prove that we existed in our lives. If you disagree, then you would stay in bed all day. I have to wake up in 4 hours to shoot a documentary on Yoyoing on my new cannon t2i with telephoto lens. A year ago that last sentence wouldn't have made sense to me. I have grown a lot.
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