Looking back, nostalgia, is such a useful word at this point in my life. Memories are exciting, the good and the bad. I have always enjoyed movies, but these movies are more personal. I'm lucky I have such a vivid imagination that I could picture these moment to a crisp, and feel the emotions, smell the smells, and hear the music of Kid Cudi being played at every party. The first few days of college were a tease. I was introduced with all these opportunities on a silver platter, but then they all backed out once I was in reaching distance. I thought that I was in the perfect place, with the perfect people. What is odd is how quickly people give up on others. How fast people can grow apart. How mean jealousy and pride are. And, how easily one takes it all back.
This year I was reflected as a less smart version of myself. I never saw myself that way. People called me stupid, didn't believe in me, didn't understand what I was trying to say. That wasn't right in my head at all. I have always been a smart one, a deep thinker, had a rebel mind, been... Different. I was expecting at art school I would fit in more with others who really appreciate "art" and deep thoughts. Boy was I wrong. This year, I have felt more left out than ever before. I have never fit into the phenomenon of "weed" and never will. I have never needed another substance to influence me, and frankly I have practiced that it does not help. It helps me stray farther from who I am, but who I am as a sober reality standing on my two feet, in my mind, is special enough. I feel left out because the artists "open mind" is not open. It is just different. Artists are less free than the norm because they get caught in a web of cynical. I am one of the only optimists that I know. I wish I could spend a day outside of my body to watch who I am through others eyes.
I wish, I wish, I wish I had gotten a library card. Reading is something I do enjoy, I just don't push myself for it. I don't push myself for anything. I don't push myself to work out, I don't push myself to eat right, I don't push myself to study. I am a leisure sloth. This needs to change. I am hoping my semester at community college and a summer with a schedule will put me on track.
Summer Camp starts in 3 weeks. I am way excited. I am also way scared. I have no idea what to expect. I like expectations. Its my thing. I have been watching many movies on summer camps (Happy Campers, Wet Hot American Summer, Meatballs, Friday the 13th, Heavyweights, etc.) I want to prepare myself mentally. I just know it will change me. I think the schedule, and learning a set schedule every day will benefit me to keep on track and change bad habits. Im excited to be out in the nice weather all summer. That will be good for me. Im excited to work with kids. Im excited to hang out with the other counselors. Im glad I can jump right into this right after college.
Im going to see Death Cab for Cutie on the 20th. I might cry. It is at the Metro, a place of nostalgia. Listening to Death Cab is like having an out of body experience. This will be the best show ever.
Right when I return home I plan on building a camera Dolly. Yeah, I have 4 days to do it. Im A.D.ing for Alanna's film "Goldilocks". The location is an abandoned house. This will be fun...
This year has been fabulous. I will miss everyone tremendously and I hope to visit them in the fall. But things will change and move on. There is one person that will keep me guessing about life, and that will not change. This is the second of their kind. I have learned the basics of the craft of filmmaking and hope to continue it one day. Money is the biggest issue on my hands right now. I hope to learn knowledge in the stock market and maybe make some extra money that way. I had great nights in the city, and these next 4 days will be very hard.
Good luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment